Italy: Naples
If you've heard the phrase, "the armpit of Europe," you were probably listening to a story about Naples. And the truth told: Naples is a hellhole. The streets are caked with liter and the stench of burning trash permeates the air. People are assholes, you can't trust anyone and the driving is worse than any story we could tell. But strangely enough, it's one of our favorite cities in Europe.
We love it for the lunatics. People there are so whacked out that if you did nothing but wander the streets and watch them, you'd be entertained for days. Naples is also known for sites like Mount Vesuvius, Pompeii, Capri, the Amalfi Coast, etc. But once you arrive at the Napoli central train station, you'll realize none of the great sites of Naples are even in Naples. Everything is a city away and with the flaky public transportation, you may never even get there.
So, you may as well wander and watch the weirdo people. We've listed the streets with the highest number of illegal activities below. Also, we found information on the cultural sites inside the city. We haven't seen any of them ourselves, but guidebooks swear they exist. We have done all the outside of Naples excursions so we'll brief you on those. Read and memorize because you'll want some G-rated stories for Mom.
Naples Advice for the Ladies
If you're looking for your handsome Italian dream man, don't look here. Everyone in this city is funny looking. And short. We don't mean a little short, we're telling you that at 5'4'' you're going to be a freak-of-nature-giant they're so ridiculously short. And they don't waste time being romantic. They think that being a man entitles them one free trip into your pants. Guys will grab your ass, whistle and make a variety of sex noises all while you're trying to shop for shoes at 3 in the afternoon wearing your nun outfit.
Ways to Avoid Being Harassed by a Neapolitan Man:
(1) Be a Neapolitan woman.
(2) Have your mother with you.
(3) Hold hands with some big dude.
And number three is 50-50. As you'll notice, men just hang out all over the city. The unemployment rate is so high that they genuinely have nothing better to do. If you walk past, there's a good chance they'll follow you for a few blocks, sometimes saying nothing and other times using the five English words they know trying to get sex. As a warning, sometimes men get the English word for sex mixed up and call it 'coffee.' Don't be fooled into thinking sitting for a cup of coffee might be fun. Coffee means sex.
You do not want to have sex with a man from Naples. If you are thinking of giving in to the waiter who drugged your wine at dinner and followed you back to your hotel room, remember that Naples was the birthplace of syphilis. The first case was reported in 1495 and there have been more than just a handful of cases since. Don't do it.
Naples Advice for Everyone
If you have asthma, allergies to pollen or have ever heard of hay fever, bring some antihistamine. Remember how we mentioned the burning trash, well it's either that or the volcanic dust or the creepy personal hygiene habits or the stray animals or we don't know what, but Naples is a cesspool of allergens.
Also eat pizza. Pizza was invented in Naples back in the day and they're all proud of it. Tomatoes for red, mozzarella for white, basil for green and poof! the Italian flag. Some chef back in the day was being clever and that's how it began.
Don't mention the Mafia. This isn't an HBO made-for-TV movie; the Mafia is alive and kicking in Naples. It's kinda like telling airport security that your toothbrush is a bomb in disguise. You're the only one who will think you're funny and after they're finished with you, you won't be laughing anymore.
Naples Explore the City Streets
A daily stroll (double points for one at night) is a cultural experience all on it's own. You don't even have to go far. You could just stick to the Piazza Garibaldi where the main train station is. The offshoot streets have stores and open-air vendors. Then at night the freaks come out. Once we saw some lady passed out drunk on a park bench and a circle of guys around her. One of the men was taking off her pants. We were going to say something, but when we got closer we realized she wasn't unconscious, she was fucked up on something and laughing in a daze. Weirdos.
Piazza Plebiscito The largest piazza and considered the heart of Naples. The Royal Palace is situated here. This piazza makes Naples look gorgeous night and day.
Vomero The shopping district for all budgets and a breathtaking view of the Bay of Naples.
Via dei Tribunali Naples' busiest street. There is a continuous covered market.
Piazza del Mercato This has been Naples' major market place since Roman times. It was the designated site for major executions.
Spaccanapoli/Via di Capitelli/Via Benedetto Croce/Via San Biagio del Librai Call this via whatever you like, but it's one of the fun ones. It is historically the poor end of town and crazies have been treading over its ground for centuries. You can take great photos of the colorful laundry hanging to dry on the apartment balconies.
Outside Naples: Stuff We've Seen
Vesuvius The infamous volcano with sporadic eruptions. The well-known eruption that destroyed neighboring cities occurred in 79 AD. There were also major explosions in 472, 993, 1038, 1500, 1631 and 1906. The last Naples heard from the volcano was in 1944. No one knows when it will erupt again, but they know the next explosion will be nasty. You can climb this beast of a volcano and stand in the crater. It's quite peaceful at the top.
Pompeii & Herculanium When Vesuvius exploded in 79 AD, the people in the ancient cities died from toxic gases and volcanic ash (not lava) and were frozen in time. These well-preserved cities were first discovered in the 1700s. Pompeii is the more famous and larger city -- large may be an understatement. As of today, only 30% of Pompeii as been excavated and it's impossible to walk the entire thing and remain interested. Herculaneum is better preserved, smaller and doesn't pull in the masses of tourists. If you visit either without a guide, you won't get too much out of it. Try to go with a tour or slip into to one of the many that pass by so you know what you're looking at. The tourist office can provide you with information about guided tours.
Paestum A Greek city founded in the 7th century BC. The ruins are in decent shape, all things considered. For some reason Paestum is not a major tourist attraction. There is no reason it shouldn't be, it just isn't. Fewer tourists = fewer hassles. Check out the fertility shrine on the river.
Islands: Capri, Ischia & Procida Gorgeous (and a bit expensive) islands that are great for an afternoon visit. There are beaches, thermal baths, beautiful views, springs, cliffs -- the works. Ferries depart from Piazza Municipio. The tourist office at the central station has alluring brochures with photos, prices and schedules. They can also provide information about camping or hotels if you're interested in extending your trip. (Travel time on the ferries is approximately 45 min.)
Cuma Founded in the 8th century BC, Cuma is believed to be the first Greek colony in Western Europe. At the bottom there is a long, large cave where oracles were once read. The rest of the site is walking and climbing grounds. There's a lovely and peaceful view of the islands.
Sorrento/The Amalfi Coast The view from this city is so amazing you will have nothing to compare it to. The cliffs, the shoreline, the marinas, the year round weather -- everything about it is glamorous. When the famous, wealthy and elderly visit Naples, they spend the night in Sorrento. There isn't a whole lot to do though aside from admiring the scenery and eating seafood pasta.
Caserta Palace Directly across the street from the Caserta train station is an enormous pink palace with miles of gardens and walkways. The palace was temporarily the Allied Forces' headquarters in WW II. More recently, several scenes from the first episode of Star Wars were filmed inside. (Caserta is a 30-45 min train ride from Naples.)
Naples Stuff We Stole from Guidebooks
Duomo San Gennaro was the saint chosen by the people of Naples in 472 after Vesuvius erupted. His head and two vials of his dried blood are kept in the Cappella di San Gennaro. Three times per year (9/19, the first Sa before the first Su in May, & 12/16) they are said to liquefy and boil. (Via Duomo. M-F 9am-12pm & 4:30-7pm; Sa-Su 9am-12pm.)
Capella Sansevero This chapel has gory roots from the 18th century that may still be seen today. In the crypt there are two human cardiovascular systems extracted by alchemist, Prince Raimondo. Legend says that the hearts, veins and arteries belong to Raimondo's wife and lover who he murdered. Also check out the statue of the veiled Christ by Neapolitan artist Sanmartino. (Piazza San Domenico Maggior.)
Castal Sant'Elmo: The highest point overlooking Naples; there is a beautiful view from every angle. The massive castle was destroyed often (once by lightening) and held several functions over the years (once a prison). It is still used today to host military exhibitions.
Castal dell'Ovo (aka Egg Castle) A beautiful (egg shaped) massive structure on the shore. Local legend says the poet Virgil hid a magical egg within the structure. If the egg were broken, bad luck would come to the town. It is closed to the public. (Via Caracciolo)
San Carlo is Italy's largest opera house. It is a gorgeous place to visit. If you have a ton of money to blow, buy some ultra expensive tickets for the opera (shows Sep-Jun).
Castel Nuovo (aka Maschio Angioino): A massive fortress from the 13th century overlooking the bay that houses various sculptures and artwork. (Piazza Municipio M-Sa 9am-7pm)
Naples Museums
Museo Archeologico Nazionale holds the archeological finds of Pompeii and Herculaneum. To get the most out of your visit, purchase an inexpensive guide to decode what you are looking at. Don't miss the ancient pornography. (Piazza Museo. It stays open late in the summer.)
Museo Capodimonte is the best 18th century picture gallery in southern Italy with plenty of other period work as well. Most famous is the antique furniture and portraits from the royals. There is a tropical park (Parco di Capodimonte) filled with rare and exotic plants. See the Christian catacombs. It's at Parco di Capodimonte.
Museo Nazionale di San Marino is a monastery/museum that contains random Neapolitan artifacts. It is as disorganized as the city. Presepi (Christmas arrangements/ nativity scenes) is the major highlight. Anything original and cool looking from Naples' Christmas past is housed here.
Museo Nazionale della Ceramica/Villa Floridiana holds the greatest collection of porcelain and ceramic figurines.
Acquario (Aquarium) Although it is not particularly large, it is the oldest aquarium in Europe. When important visitors came to Naples, chefs would occasionally collect delicacies from the tanks. The third and forth weekend of every month, there is a market in the small park outside.
